Severus Snape's Search for a Sweetheart
by sallene
Summary: What happens when Dumbledore has Snape put a dating ad in Witch Weekly? What gossip will follow after he streaks the halls of Hogwarts?
1. Introduction and Interview

**A/N: This first part is written in the style of an interview. I wanted everyone to feel like they were watching it, which is why I have the actions in there as well. It's kind of a moving picture/video for Witch Weekly. The following chapters will be in the normal story format.**

**Many thanks to Judy and Jennifer for being my betas. You are both awesome!**

**This is meant to be a silly, fun, lighthearted fic, and many of the characters will not be canon.**

**Bear with me on updates. I have about 6-7 chapters written of this fic already, but with working full time and a little one on the way, my updates might be sporadic.**

**Disclaimer:**

**All HP characters, etc belong to JKR. I just like to take them out and play with them once in a while. **

**

* * *

****Introduction and Interview:**

_Dumbledore has made it clear to the staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry that they need to have more active personal lives. He feels that if they are happy in their personal lives, it will carry over into their professional lives. He also feels that if each of them made an ad to place in Witch Weekly, they would get magnificent results. The 'interview' follows. This will focus on the dating 'mis'adventures of one Severus Snape._

(we see Snape getting shoved on screen by someone with suspiciously long, silver hair. He looks quite uncomfortable as he takes a seat)

Snape: Er….

(voice behind the camera...you can tell it is Dumbledore): Come now, Severus. I know you're more articulate than that.

Snape: (glares at the camera) Fine. Let's get this over with, shall we?

Dumbledore: Ok, in order for this to be advertised in Witch Weekly, you need to tell us a bit about yourself.

Snape: (mumbles something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like "bloody old hippie") Myself? This is revolting. I don't want to do this.

Dumbledore: Yes, Severus. Yourself. I trust that you can tell us a little bit about yourself? Besides, you need a date, and the advertisement will be most tasteful.

Snape: Fine. Hmm. My name is Severus Snape.

Dumbledore: Tut tut. We need your full name.

Snape: (there are more mumblings. This time it sounds like coughwankercough) My name is Severus mumble Snape.

Dumbledore: I didn't quite catch that.

Snape: (obviously irritated ) SEVERUS SHELDON SNAPE!

Dumbledore: That wasn't so hard was it? (we hear him laughing) Ok, so tell us about yourself, Mr. Snape.

Snape: There's nothing to tell. I'm a mystery. A complete enigma. A normal human brain cannot comprehend my being.

Dumbledore: Severus, you're trying my patience. I will keep you here all night if necessary.

Snape: l (looks even angrier than before) You wouldn't!

Dumbledore: Try me! (we see a hand holding something towards Snape) Cinnamon drop?

Snape: (more glaring) No. Fine! You want to know about me? Here you go. I'm 36 years old. I'm 6' 1". I don't like animals, I don't like talking, I don't like people, I don't like teaching, I hate bubble gum. I don't like Harry Potter, I hate Sirius Black, I have some serious misgivings about my hair, and I'm feeling really vulnerable right now! (starts to sniffle)

Dumbledore: (coughing slightly) Severus, that doesn't make you sound very appealing. Come now, I know you to be a brilliant man. You have a lot to offer.

Snape: (sarcastic) Sure I do. Women go crazy for my soft flowing hair, cheerful smile, perfect Grecian nose, and wonderful personality. (stares intently at his hands)

Dumbledore: Snarkiness doesn't become you, my boy. Please at least try to be serious.

Snape: Fine, let's get on with it then. I enjoy terrorizing Potter. I like being able to scare people off with a glare and frown. I like confusing the students and making them cry. Especially Longbottom. He's such an easy target.

Dumbledore: Ahem….

Snape: My specialty is potions, but I also make a mean chicken parmesan.

Dumbledore: Really? I didn't know that.

Snape: Cooking is my outlet. My one true hobby! (he gets excited) Nothing puts me in a better mood that blending aromatic spices together to create my magnum opus. My favorite is the smell of garlic simmering in a sauce of my own creation.

Dumbledore: Garlic? I would have thought you hated garlic.

Snape: (looks surprised) Why is that, Headmaster?

Dumbledore: You know...the vampire thing and all that.

Snape: Vampire thing?

Dumbledore: Well, aren't you one?

Snape: Merlin, NO! (looks amazed at the suggestion)

Dumbledore: But all the black? The fear of sun? The pale skin? The crazed look in your eyes when you see blood?

Snape: Just an affectation. I'm going for the dangerous, mysterious, sexy, goth look.

Dumbledore: Well, I don't know if I'd call it sexy….

Snape: You don't think so? Hmm. Maybe that's why I haven't had a date since...well...ever.

Dumbledore: Well, I think we'd best move along. (we hear paper rustling as he looks through his notes) Here we go…What song do you think best describes you as a person?

Snape: (looks thoughtful ) Well, I'd have to modify the words a bit….

Dumbledore: That's fine, my boy.

Snape: (stands up and starts dancing around, waving his cape, while singing)

_I'm too sexy for my cape_

_Too sexy for my cape_

_So sexy, I'm Snape._

_I'm too sexy for this school,_

_Too sexy for this school,_

_Because I'm so cool._

Dumbledore: …Errrr. Well, that was….

Snape: Marvelous? Brilliant? Indescribable?

Dumbledore: That's it! Indescribable. Exactly so.

Snape: (looks smug) I thought so myself.

Dumbledore: Well then. (clears his throat) Alright, Severus, what are you looking for in a woman?

Snape: What?

Dumbledore: Severus, you know this is a dating ad. It would be appropriate to say what you would like to have in a companion.

Snape: (gulps) Uh, well. Intelligence is important to me. I'd also like someone halfway attractive, because that would really build up my self esteem. And, she needs to have brown or reddish brown hair. Especially if it's curly. Then I could run my fingers through it to untangle it.

Dumbledore: Ahem….

Snape: And I wouldn't mind if she had brown or gray eyes. And pale skin. I wouldn't want to be standing next to someone much darker than me. I don't get much sun, in case you haven't noticed.

Dumbledore: Well, now that you mention it…

Snape: And, she has to be shorter than me. And if her favorite perfume were Night Magic, I wouldn't complain. And, if she could sing, that would be nice. I would enjoy having someone to sing me to sleep.

Dumbledore: Hem…I think we should get back on the original subject….

Snape: Well, she would have to want kids, because despite popular opinion, I do not eat children for dinner and would like a few of my own. Got to carry on the family name, you know. And, it doesn't matter if she can cook, because I can do that myself. In fact, being a bachelor for many years has taught me to be independent, so I would just like companionship.

Dumbledore: Well, I think that is about all we need for the ad. Anything else you care to input?

Snape: There is one thing. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, it would be nice if any women answering my ad would be prepared to call me Potions Master S.

Dumbledore: (tries not to laugh) Whatever for?

Snape: I just thought it would be a nice change.

Dumbledore: Well, there you have it, ladies. If you are interested please send a message via owl post, attn: Old Bat.

Snape: Hey!

Dumbledore: Sorry, I don't pick the names.


	2. Chapter 1: Dumbledore and Detention

**Chapter 1: Dumbledore and Detention**

Severus Snape was not in a good mood as he crossed the great hall, his cloak swishing behind him. There were several unlucky students who crossed his path that morning. For their troubles they received deadly glares and house points were deducted. Some consoled themselves by thinking that the rustling cloak made him look like a great bat. The few that subscribed to Witch Weekly just tittered and shared their information with others. Snape reached the entrance to Dumbledore's office and spoke the password. "Ice Mice." _What is it with his sweet obsession? _He stormed in, not even waiting for Dumbledore to bid him entry. He threw down a piece of parchment on the old wizard's desk and stood there tapping his foot, arms crossed.

Dumbledore perused the parchment, and something akin to amusement came over his face. He tried to hide a smile, but the twinkle in his eyes was evident. _Ah, yes. This will be very interesting indeed. _"Yes, Severus. What is it that you wished me to see?" He gazed across his desk at his Potions master.

The younger wizard glared at Dumbledore and tried to remain calm. His voice was icy with disdain. "It's the first reply to that infernal ad. And look who it is! I'm not going!" His voice rose, despite his efforts to not get angry.

"I see that it is Rita Skeeter. I daresay that you could do worse." His mouth twitched as he tried to keep his composure. He knew for a fact that the nosy reporter witch was one of the people that Severus detested the most. But, it would be good for the man to overcome some of his prejudices.

Severus couldn't even reply to that. Instead, he repeated himself, something he abhorred doing. "I'm not going!" _Surely the old man can't make me?_

"But, yes, my lad, you are. You see, there is a binding contract between the person who places the ad and the one who answers. You must attend at least one date with them." He sat back in his chair and surveyed the man in front of him, waiting for the inevitable explosion. He was surprised to see Severus throw another glare at him and exit the room with such force that the

Portraits were banging against the walls_. Well, at least he's somewhat controlling that temper of his. Although, I do feel a bit sorry for his students today._

* * *

All of the students for double potions were in place when it was time for class to start. What was absent from the room, however, was their Potions professor. This was an odd occurrence for the man who was so strict with time and class work. After a few more moments, they started whispering amongst themselves about why their professor could be late. Some speculated that maybe he had turned into a bat for good. Some thought that he was sick. The Slytherins insisted that if he was late, he had a good reason.

Ron, Harry, and Hermione were huddled over Hermione's Witch Weekly (she'd insisted that it was good to keep up on the news, no matter how silly it was) and didn't join in the conversation with the others. They were too wrapped up in what they were reading. Hermione had a fit of the giggles, a rare occurrence for her. Ron gaped at her, astounded that she was laughing so hard, and then looked at Harry. Then they both laughed.

Harry was the first to speak. "Imagine someone actually dating Snape!" He felt sorry for any woman who tried. Snape was not known for his people skills. Come to think of it, Snape wasn't really known for anything but his hatred for his students (_especially me_) and wanting the DADA position.

"What a wanker," was Ron's response. "Does he really think that anyone will reply to this ad?"

Hermione stopped giggling long enough to respond to her two friends. "First off, I heard that Dumbledore made him place the ad. Which makes sense, considering Dumbledore was the one interviewing him. Second, you never know, maybe his chicken parmesan really is good." She lapsed back into giggles.

The doors to the potions room slammed open as the professor entered the room. The class immediately stopped their murmuring, but it only made the man more suspicious.

Unfortunately for Hermione, she didn't get her magazine hidden fast enough, and before you could say "Accio Witch Weekly", Snape had it in his hand. His voice was cold and sharp as he spoke. "Miss Granger. Please, enlighten me as to why you are reading this…" his eyes swept over the magazine in distaste "…rubbish in my classroom?" _Oh, Merlin. I hope she and her friends did not read my ad. Just act like the cold man that you are and it will be all right. _

Hermione was unable to answer, owing to the glower her professor was shooting her way. She just looked at him with her mouth slightly open and hoped that he wouldn't explode.

He straightened his posture even more and glared down at the young woman. "50 points from Gryffindor!" He tightened his grip on the magazine and proceeded to the front on the room. "Incendio!" _There. The damnable thing is gone. _He turned his gaze to his students before declaring that there would be a quiz this morning.

Ron was seething. He glanced at Hermione, who was no longer laughing, but looking forlorn. He raged inside. _Stupid, greasy git! Taking house points because he knows we were reading his ad! It's not fair. And 50 points at that! He's off his rocker! _Then his eyes lit up as he thought of a way to get even. Granted, it would cost their house more points and probably mean a distasteful detention, but he knew it would be worth it. His hand shot up, causing Harry and Hermione to stare at him with worry.

Hermione knew that Ron was up to something, because he never asked questions in class. He also never answered questions in class voluntarily, but that was another matter. She hissed at Ron out of the corner of her mouth. "Ron, don't do anything stupid." But, it was too late.

Snape looked down his nose at Ron Weasley before speaking in a voice that could cut steel. "Yes, Mr. Weasley? Do you have something to say?"

Ron didn't give himself time to think before he spoke. "Yes, professor. I was just wondering if our quiz would be on blending aromatic spices together to create a magnum opus?" He ignored the startled gasps of his classmates and wondered just how much trouble he would get it for this. Hermione kicked him under the table. Harry just stared. Neville Longbottom gaped at Ron openmouthed, and some others laughed.

_Bloody hell. Can this day get any worse? "_Detention, Mr. Weasley. My office, 7:00 Monday evening. And rest assured, because of your little outburst, there are no points left in the Gryffindor hourglass." Ignoring the groans and protests of the rest of the Gryffindor class, he sat down at his desk. _That's it. I'm locking myself in my chambers for the rest of the year. I wonder if I have any of that Ogden's Old Firewhisky left? _

* * *

Snape opted not to join the other teachers for lunch in the great hall. He was never fond of it, even on his best days, but there was no way he was going to put up with them today. Instead, he paced his room, stopping occasionally to berate Dumbledore for his hair-brained idea. "What ever gave the old man the idea that dating would be a good idea? And what was I thinking when I agreed to the ad? He must have cast some sort of Confundus charm on me!"

Snape whirled around as he heard a snort come from somewhere behind him. He glared at the painted portrait that had made the noise, daring him to say something. Sometimes Snape couldn't fathom why he kept a portrait of William Shakespeare in his room. He wondered what he had been thinking when he had decided to cast a spell on the old painting so that it would move about and talk as the ones in the Wizarding world did. But, on normal days, he found the bard quite amusing. And even though it was something that he would be hard pressed to admit, he had a fondness for his writing.

The man in the portrait ignored Snape's anger and straightened his doublet as he spoke. "The common curse of mankind; folly and ignorance!" (1) He then whipped out some parchment, a quill, and scribbled furiously.

"Will, what the bloody blazes are you on about?" _Crazy old fool. Always patronizing me by using quotes from his works._

William wasn't ruffled by Snape's cold tone. He knew the potions master was upset about something. From what he had gathered by listening to Snape's ranting and from some of the other portraits, Dumbledore was trying to find companionship for the man. _God speed and good luck to him. _He knew that if anyone could make this plan work, it was this school's headmaster. William had been privy to several conversations with the old man when he had visited the residents of the portraits in Dumbledore's office.He had realized that the aged wizard was most intelligent. "But, for my own part, it was Greek to me." (2) He chuckled as Snape walked away in a huff.

"So, that's what I get when I ask for an answer? I should send you back where I found you!" But, when Snape headed back to his classroom, he had a slight smile on his face as he thought about the writer's humor.

**A/N: **

**Quotes:**

**1) "The common curse of mankind; folly and ignorance!" Troilus and Cressida: Act II, Scene III**

**2) "But, for my own part, it was Greek to me." Julius Caesar: Act I, Scene II**

**Magnum opus: I snagged this phrase from "Charlotte's Web". It means masterpiece.**

**Thanks so much to all of you who are reading/reviewing! I'm so glad that you are enjoying the story and find it funny. I've written funny short stories before, but this is the first time I've attempted a whole story. This one is definately the hardest I've ever written, because it's hard to be in the right mood to be silly. LOL**

**Mad props to Jennifer and Judy for being my betas. You are both awesome!**

**This is meant to be a silly, fun, lighthearted fic, and many of the characters will not be canon. Bear with me on updates. with working full time and a little one on the way, they might be sporadic.**

**Disclaimer:**

**All HP characters, etc belong to JKR. I just like to take them out and play with them once in a while. And, I might add, if AR were Snape, and there really was an add in Witch Weekly, I'd be first, next, and last in line. Hubba, Hubba!**


	3. Chapter 2: Rendezvous with Rita

**Chapter 2: Rendezvous with Rita**

_I absolutely cannot fathom why I'm doing this. Oh wait. Yes, that's right. I'm doing this because that obtuse, ancient wizard is making me. I could walk away. I don't even like teaching, so it wouldn't be that hard. Who am I kidding? What else would I do? _He sighed and resigned himself to the coming night. If he could just endure it, then it would be over with. After all, this Skeeter woman had made Potter's life miserable for a time, so she couldn't be all bad. He smirked to himself as he thought back to when everyone believed Potter was insane. _Those were the days…._

He pulled himself out of his reverie and looked into the glass in front of him. _Not bad. Hair is shiny, smirk is in place, and my eyes are a nice shade of onyx. Wait? Are there shades of onyx? Isn't black 'black'? Or maybe onyx is the new black? Or maybe that is obsidian? I can't keep track of all that. Well, at least I know what I mean. _He turned sideways and continued surveying himself. _Hmm. I look a bit peaky, but too much sun is bad for you anyway. Wait! Am I primping? _Disgusted, he turned away from the glass and picked up his cloak. It was going to be a long night.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night till it be morrow."(1) William strummed his lute, stopping to tip his hat when Snape walked by him. He laughed at the grimace Snape sent his way.

* * *

At the Three Broomsticks, he saw no sign of Rita Skeeter. _Ah well. It gives me time to get smashed before she gets here. Merlin knows that this date will be easier to deal with if I'm not quite in my right mind. Even if my right mind is quite fine. That rhymes. I should write poetry. No, songs! I think the image of me in black leather with a guitar is quite appealing._ It was with this thought that he entered the pub. He noticed that he received some strange looks, especially from Rosmerta. What he didn't realize was that most people recognized him from his ad. He just thought it was because his presence was a rare occurrence. He didn't come here often, and never on his own. He wouldn't have come here at all, but Dumbledore made them have a staff night occasionally. Dumbledore said it was a good 'team building' exercise. Whatever. He knew that Dumbledore was just partial to the hot lemon brandy with a chaser of butterbeer. _Speaking of brandy…. _

He raised his hand to catch Rosmerta's attention. She just nodded and took her time waiting on other customers. _Blasted witch! Can't she see that I need service?_ When she made her way over to his table, she just stood there looking at him. He stared back. She glared. He glowered. She broke eye contact. _Aha! Potions Master, 1! Bar Witch, 0! Another good day for the professor. I love intimidating people. _

"Can I help you?" She glanced at him with annoyance while waiting for his order.

"Yes, I'd like a pint of ale. No, wait! Make that a glass of brandy. No! Firewhisky!"

Rosmerta tapped her foot and rolled her eyes. "Would you like me to return when you've made up your mind?"

Snape didn't like it when people patronized him. That was something that was reserved for him. _After all, I am a Snape. And Snapes are snarky. Interesting. Rhyming earlier, now alliteration. I'm just too good. _"No, I would not like for you to return when I've made up my mind. I placed my order. I'll have a pint of ale, some brandy, and some firewhisky." He looked at her with scorn. He was pleased to see her press her lips into a fine line. _Potions Master, 2! Bar Witch, 0! Really, this game is too easy. _

"Fine then." With that she walked away, leaving him to wonder what in blazes he would do with all of that alcohol. He wasn't one to waste money, so he supposed he would have to drink it. He jumped a bit when Rosmerta plopped his drinks on the table. He hastily gave her payment and waved her away, noticing her eyes narrowing. _She doesn't actually expect a tip after that display does she?" _He eyed his drinks and decided to start with the firewhisky.

* * *

_Ok, so maybe three drinks would have been fine. Seven appears to have been a bit much. Especially that last concoction. Who names a drink a flaming dragon, anyway? _Snape shifted himself in his chair and nearly fell off, earning some askance looks from the other patrons. He hiccupped then tried to appear dignified. _Where is that infernal woman? _

The front door of the Leaky Cauldron swung inward at that moment. Rita Skeeter entered, in a full blaze of magenta robes, clutching her crocodile handbag. She immediately walked over to the table where Snape was sitting. Rita looked at him through her jeweled spectacles and batted her eyelashes. "Severus Snape! Oh, I've heard all about you. I'm Rita Skeeter." She smiled, showing several gold teeth, and reached for his hand.

He looked at her hand in distaste, but then sighed as he realized he should shake it. Reluctantly, he took it. _Does she sharpen those talons that she calls nails? Where is the sanitizer potion when I need it? Is that a wig? _He dropped her hand and sat back down, this time missing the chair completely. _Hey, who did that? Oh, that was me. _He jumped up and tried to gracefully sit down. _What did she say? She's heard all about me? "_Me?"

Rita appeared to be a bit amused, but didn't voice it. "Of course. From dear little Draco Malfoy. He mentioned you many times." She helped herself to a seat then turned her eyes back to Snape. "He admires you a great deal. I think he views you as a second father." _Second father indeed! The little brat is such a suck up!_

Snape just stared at her. _Father? To a Malfoy? Gods! I'd rather be thrown alive into a pen with a Mannycourt. Wait, that's not right. Manticore? Yes, that's it. I've really got to cut back on the firewhisky. _Out loud he said "Well, I try to be there for the boy, little rat that he is." He mentally smacked himself in the head. _I've got to stop saying things like that. _

Rita didn't seem to notice what he had said. In fact, she wasn't even listening to him. If he wouldn't have been in his inebriated state, Snape would have observed that she seemed to have her own agenda. A piece of parchment and a suspicious acid green quill appeared by her side. She looked over at Snape expectantly as the quill scribbled away. _Hmmm. I could think of other ways to use the feather on my quill…._

Snape was more that a little unnerved by this freakish woman and that quill. Not to mention, he was able to read some of her thoughts and they positively frightened him. _She seriously wants to tie me up and tickle me with a feather? _He shuddered and decided that Legilimency was not always something that should be done, especially when one was drunk. _Feather? What was that old saying about a feather? Fame is a fickle feather? No. Something about birds together? Oh, who cares? _He lifted his head up and stared at Rita.

"I have to say, I've always found you to be a mysterious character. Dark and brooding. This is why I jumped at the chance for a date with you. It's not every day that one gets to go out with a vampire." She smirked at him as she said this.

"Vampire? Why does everyone seem to think I'm a vampire? That's ridiculous. In fact, you're more of a vampire than me, with those freakish teeth and sharp claws!" _Maybe I need to go for a new look? The silver hair and beard seem to work for Dumbledore. I wonder if they make Wizards Hair Wash in that color? _His thoughts were interrupted by the scratching of the quill. His eyes snapped over to read the parchment. It was a good thing that he had developed the talent of reading upside down. It certainly came in handy in this instance. _What? "His eyes grew darker as he spoke of his blood lust." The nerve….wait…"He licked his lips and looked longingly at my neck." RUBBISH! Oh, that image is going to take a while to get out of my head. I'm drunk, but not drunk enough to want any part of her!_

Rita looked at him innocently, and the quill continued to scratch. She adjusted her glasses and drummed her nails on the table. "Now, professor, tell, me…do vampires really make better lovers?"

Snape had seen and heard enough. He stood up, slightly shaky and pointed his wand toward the parchment. "_Incendio_!" Rita let out a surprised yelp. Snape looked at her with blurry eyes. _Oh my! _His aim was obviously not at its best. Instead of the parchment, he had missed and caught her hair on fire. Snape laughed, really laughed, for the first time in ages. _I was right. It is a wig. Serves her right! _

Rita danced around, yelling and pulling her burning hair from her head. Everyone in the bar was staring and pointing. She flung the wig to the floor, trying to stomp it out. In the process, she knocked over several stools, a table, and the drinks of the patrons that were sitting nearby.

Rosmerta made her way over to him, furious. "Mr. Snape! This is an honorable establishment. I will not have you making a display like this! You will leave now or I will have one of my bar hands throw you out!"

Snape gathered all of the poise that he could. He tried to stand up straighter, but overbalanced and fell flat on the floor. In a show of concern (which he certainly would not have voiced had he been sober), he looked up at her and said, "Are you all right? That was a nasty fall."

Rosmerta was tempted to laugh at the situation, but that was overridden when she looked at the mess around her. "You bloody sot! I'm not the one who fell on my arse! You are!

He had to admit that she was right. He probably would feel that in the morning_. Potions Master 2! Bar Witch, 1! She's catching up._ _Blast!_ He couldn't say anything, however, because of Rosmerta's continued ranting.

"Bloody, wretched vampire! Can't hold your liquor! I don't know why I even let your kind in here! Look at you! Look at my pub!" She stamped her foot for emphasis.

Snape looked up at her in mystification. _Has everyone gone mad? I'm not a vampire! _"Vampire? Why does everyone…." He was cut off in mid sentence.

"OUT! OUT! OUT! GET OUT! I've half a mind never to let you set foot in here again!"

He could only look up at her in awe. She was in a right snit. He started to speak again, but promptly passed out, his head hitting the floor with a thump.

Hagrid, who had been enjoying the spectacle, decided it was time to step in. "Rosmerta, I'll take care o' him." He roughly grabbed Snape by the collar and dragged him out. He didn't feel any remorse as he deposited the potions teacher head first into the rainwater hogshead outside the pub, then pulled him out again. The cold water did not work though, and much to Hagrid's consternation, he had to carry the man back to Hogwarts. "This wad't in my list of duties," he muttered, wishing he hadn't ventured to the pub that night.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Quote:**

**1) "Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night till it be morrow." Romeo and Juliet Act II, Scene II**

**Thanks again to Judy and Jennifer for their encouragement and for being my betas. I appreciate it so much!**

**Thanks to everyone for the reviews! I'm glad you are enjoying the story. This is meant to be a light-hearted, humorous fic, so many characters are not to canon.**

**Disclaimer: I am not JKR and do not own anything associated with Harry Potter. I do like to daydream about the characters. **


	4. Chapter 3: Hangovers and Halfwits

**Chapter 3: Hangovers and Halfwits**

Severus Snape was in bad shape. He slowly opened his eyes, but was forced to scrunch them shut again. Even the weak light was too much to bear. _Wait? What happened? How did I get in my bed? Why is my head pounding? _Slowly, the events of the previous night came back to him. _This is not good. Ugh. My mouth feels like it's full of cotton. How the ruddy hell did I get here? What is that smell? _He struggled to sit up, only to realize that it wasn't going to happen.

William looked at Snape with amusement. _It would appear that he imbibed too much mead last evening. Oh, I could tell him stories…. _He cleared his throat and spoke loudly. "Drink provokes the desire but takes away the performance. (1) There was this one wench; ah, what a beauty…." He paused in reflection. He laughed out loud when Snape growled and cursed at him.

Snape groaned and rolled over in his bed. _Blasted man! Never shuts up! _His stomach lurched violently and he rushed to the loo. _Gods! I think I'm dying! Oh, I know I didn't eat that! _Having emptied the contents of his stomach, he shuffled back to his bed, quite green in the face. He pulled the covers over his head and decided to save his questions for much later.

The rest of the day passed without incident, save for some amusement coming to Dumbledore's eyes when he regarded his Potions teacher at the dinner table. Hagrid also seemed to see something comical when he happened across Snape, but hid his laughter behind a rough cough. _Giant oaf. What does he have to laugh about? I'll hex him into next week if he even speaks to me. Maybe I'll sic one of those damnable skrewts on him. _Luckily the game keeper moved on, full out laughing when he thought he was out of Snape's hearing.

_Just wonderful. I suppose that I should talk to Dumbledore. _He made his way to the headmaster's office, giving the password and climbing the stairs. The old wizard must have been expecting him, because he was sitting in a chair by the fireplace. He gestured to the other one, and Snape stiffly sat down.

"Could I offer you a lemon drop? Or perhaps some firewhisky?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he spoke, noting the greenish tint that came to Snape's face at the mention of the drink.

"No, headmaster. I've actually come by to…." He was cut off.

"To find out how you happened to return to your room last night?" The headmaster laughed. "I hear that you caused quite a commotion. I'm rather surprised at you. Luckily, Hagrid happened to be at The Three Broomsticks and was kind enough to make sure you made it back to the castle safely, after being unable to rouse you." _Not to mention, Hagrid just happened to make sure that the whole faculty saw just how drunk Severus was._

_This is much worse than I thought. I thought I had managed to drag myself in and just didn't remember it. Now I'll have to put up with that hairy excuse for a teacher knowing what happened. _He groaned out loud as he realized something else. Hagrid would no doubt share this with Potter, having a nice laugh. _Well, the whole lot of them can just shove off. _He rose, ignoring Dumbledore's protests and retreated to his room.

* * *

Monday morning arrived too quickly for Snape's liking, but thankfully the day passed without much incident. The classes seemed more subdued that normal, probably due to the fact that their professor looked as if he would eat the next person that spoke to him. Neville Longbottom practically wet his pants when he managed to destroy another cauldron. Luckily, he was saved from the wrath of his teacher by the ending of the class. He ran out the door, much to Snape's amusement. _Oh, the simple joys of life. I do so love tormenting the students. _He frowned again as he realized that he had given detention to Weasley and that it was tonight. _Bloody hell! _

* * *

Ron ate dinner with less zeal that usual, his appetite curbed by the looming detention with his least favorite professor. Little did he know that said professor was dreading the punishment as well. Silently, he got up from the table, said goodbye to Harry and Hermione and made his way to the dungeons. _Best to get this over with. I just hope Snape doesn't make me clean up Neville's mess from today._

Snape barely glanced at the young man before barking orders at him. "Slice those caterpillars into equal parts, Mr. Weasley. If they are not perfect, you will start over until they are. After you are finished with that, clean the mess that that dunderhead Longbottom made." _Maybe that will keep him quiet. I do hate needless conversation. _

_Brainless wanker! Ugh, what did Neville have in here?_ Ron went to work, trying his best to ignore his professor. _The sooner detention is over, the better. I can't imagine spending more time with this nasty git than necessary. _Without noticing, he started to hum. _I'm too sexy for this class, too sexy for this class, but I need to pass. I'm too sexy for…_but, his thoughts were rudely interrupted.

"MR. WEASLEY! You are simply begging for more detention!" Snape was livid. _Is he actually poking fun at me? How dare he? "_2 weeks! And come prepared to scrub cauldrons. WITHOUT MAGIC!" _Brilliant, Severus. Now I have to see the little weasel every night for a week. When am I going to learn that punishment to a student is punishment for me? _

Ron didn't understand why Snape was all bent out of shape. He was just humming. _It's probably that perpetual stick up his arse! Well, if I'm to have detention, better make it because of something good!_ "It's your fault you know!" He glared at his professor, his ears turning almost as red as his hair.

"Excuse me? Are you actually daring to get cheeky with me?" Snape's eyes snapped like fire. _No he didn't! He did not just talk back to me!_

"Well, it's your own bloody fault that infernal song is stuck in my head! You're the one who was singing it in your ad!" He was past caring about getting in trouble, so his curiosity got the better of him. "Who's it by, anyway? "

_Gods! I'm going to kill the boy. Right here. Dead!_ _I'm going to have a dead weasel in my classroom! _"Asking questions now, Mr. Weasley? Did I even say you could speak?" He eyed the boy in front of him, but Ron didn't break eye contact. _Well, I can't kill him. If I do that I'll never get that Order of Merlin, First Class. Bold fellow, standing up to me. _Snape sighed. "Fine, the original song is by 'Right Said Fred'."

"Fred didn't say nothing! If anyone did, it was probably George!" Ron was truly puzzled. _Has he finally gone off his rocker? _

"Are you always this dense, Mr. Weasley? Honestly, why can't you take after Bill or Charlie? They were intelligent! Even Percy had a brain! You seem to be the dunce of the Weasley family. At least Fred and George are a bit entertaining at times." _Wonderful. Now he knows that I don't truly despise his family. This is not going to be good for my reputation. Think before you speak, Severus, THINK!_

Ron didn't know what to say. He just sat there staring as if his professor had sprouted 5 heads. It wasn't because Snape had called him a dunce. Hell, he had berated all of the students so much that they were used to it from him. No, it was because he almost given a compliment to Ron's brothers. _I think the fumes are getting to me. I'm hallucinating. _He pinched himself in the arm. _OW! That bloody hurt! Well, I'm not dreaming. This is awkward. Say something. Anything! **"**_Whaa?"!

Snape almost laughed at the bewilderment on the boy's face and at his idiotic response. But, that would not do, so he covered his amusement by doing what he did best. "Get out of my sight! Detention is over!" With that, he spun on his heel and left the boy staring at him. _Merlin! I'm going positively soft! I'm getting too old for this. _

_

* * *

_

Once back in his room, Snape felt a terrible burning on his left forearm. _Sod it all! Of all the times to be summoned! And when all I wanted was to take a bubble bath and just be left alone! Leave it to the Dark Lord to ruin my evening. _He retrieved his Death Eater mask from his bottom drawer and walked to the fire. With a flick of his wrist, he threw some floo powder into his fire place. "Headmaster's Office!" He stepped into the fire.

Dumbledore looked up at Snape when he appeared. "Ah, my boy. Another summons from Voldemort?" He had been expecting this. It had been several weeks since they had heard anything from Voldemort.

"Yes. I thought I should inform you before I left so that that oversized fur coat of a game keeper doesn't go looking for me again." Snape frowned as he spoke. _Gods! I certainly don't need him dragging me back here like he did the other evening._

"Hagrid didn't go looking for you, Severus. Maybe you should be more discreet when you choose to tie one on next time?" He chuckled, and then grew more serious. "As always, be cautious. There is no telling what Voldemort has planned for this night."

"If it's along the usual lines, it will be nothing more than a speech about taking over the world, bellowing about Potter, a little torturing, and a few mind games." Snape yawned as if he were bored. "I should be back at the castle by morning." He clutched the amulet around his neck and vanished.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Thanks to Jennifer and Judy who are wonderful betas. Thanks for all the support!**

**Quotes:**

**_(1) _Drink provokes the desire but takes away the performance_. Macbeth_ Act II, Scene III**

**Disclaimer:**

**None of it is mine, except for this goofy plot. JKR is the genius to worship.**


	5. Chapter 4: Cocoa and Conversation

**Chapter 4: Cocoa and Conversation**

_All these years of traveling, and I still can't get the hang of a simple Portkey. _Snape bent over at the waist to catch his breath, unpleasantly reminded of his hangover of the past weekend. _Best get this over with. _He walked up to the door of the Riddle house and spoke the password. "The Dark Lord reigns supreme in a world where Muggles, Mudbloods, and Harry Potter are not fit to live, and if you see fit to question that, you will suffer a most terrible death." _Only the Dark Lord would come up with something like that. He's so predictable. Anyone could get in here. _He pulled open the door and entered the house.

Voldemort was seated in a high-backed chair by the fire. He surveyed Snape with his red eyes. _Prompt, as usual. If only the others would follow his example, it would make my life so much easier. Dealing with rogue Death Eaters is a full time job. If I have to hear "My dragon ate my mask!" one more time…_.

"You wished to see me, my lord?" Snape tried to gauge Voldemort's mood. He didn't look angry_. That's a plus. I hate having to spend hours calming him down after he loses to Wormtail in Wizard's chess. _He cleared his mind, in preparation for facing Voldemort. The Dark Lord was exceptional at mind reading. Snape knew the key was eye contact, so he always made sure to avert his eyes occasionally.

_He's avoiding looking at me again. Am I that hideous? Maybe I should have Wormtail bring me a plastic surgeon next time. _"Yes, I did. As you can see, I didn't call the other Death Eaters. Here. Sit. Have some hot cocoa." He motioned to the chaise next to him and offered a pot of chocolate. _I hate it when I have to ask favors. It really makes me look less powerful. I do have a reputation to uphold. _"I have something of a somewhat _personal_ nature to discuss with you."

Snape took a seat, but did not relax. _Oh this is just dandy. The last time he had something personal to discuss with me I ended up being forced to comfort him while he whined about not ever meeting his soul mate. He doesn't even have a soul! _"Yes, my Lord?"

"Severus, I see that you placed a dating ad in Witch Weekly. I must say, I was most surprised. I have to admit though I was beginning to think that you were working for the other side." _Well, at least that's not the issue. But, come to think of it, he never came on to me. How depressing. No one finds me attractive anymore. Yes, I must have Wormtail get right on the plastic surgeon thing. _

Snape stared at a spot on the wall behind Voldemort. _Oh, sweet Merlin! He thinks I am a spy? Not good, not good! Be collected. Calm down. Clear your mind. Think of gentle breezes and flowering meadows. Think of Harry Potter scrubbing the cauldrons with a toothbrush. _He turned his gaze back to Voldemort's for a brief moment before looking elsewhere. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." _That's it. Stall. Try to figure out something to say._

Voldemort looked at the Deatheater in front of him. _Well, he looks uncomfortable. Maybe I was right after all. "_You know. I thought you buttered your bread on the other side." He noticed Snape's continued blank look. "Played for the other Quidditch team?" He was getting frustrated, as it was obvious that Snape had no idea what he was talking about.

Snape was truly puzzled. _I think he's been playing with his snake for too long. He's lost his senses. _"I've never played on a Quidditch team, my Lord. I'm not really the athletic type. As for bread…."

Voldemort didn't know what to say. So, he said the only thing he could. "I thought you were gay, you imbecile!"

_He what? I am soooo not gay! What is it with people? First I'm a vampire? Now I'm gay? _"I assure you, I am certainly NOT GAY!" _Merlin! Maybe I should add "How to Make it Clear that You're a Manly Wizard" to my list along with the Wizard's Hair Wash. Granted, that idiot Lockhart wrote it, but he seemed to go over well with the witches. _

Both men sat there in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Snape was seething. _I'm not gay! Sweet Merlin on a biscuit! What is wrong with everyone? He's a vampire. He's gay. He's a gay vampire! Bunch of wankers, the lot of them! _He finally decided to break the silence to avoid being there all night. "Would it be too much to ask why you called me here?"

"Oh, yes." _I'd better get this over with_. "You see,I'm in a somewhat awkward predicament. You know my penchant for betting?" He continued after Snape nodded. "Well, I made a bet with an old colleague on the outcome of the last match between the Canons and Puddlemere. Suffice to say, I did not win."

Snape looked at Voldemort in surprise. _Interesting. Usually, if he doesn't win, he makes sure no one ever finds out. This must be serious. _

Voldemort continued, just wanting to get this over with. "Since I have no available money, I managed to talk him into something else. He does have a sister. A sister who seems to be very…er…enamored with you. So, I promised him that you would go on a date with her. She's just sent in a reply to your ad."

_What? That's what this is about? Another date? _"That is most…irregular, my Lord." After seeing Voldemort's frown, he hastily added, "But, of course, I will go." _Let's just hope she's better than that hag, Rita._

"There's one more thing that you should know, Severus." Voldemort paused and took a breath before continuing. "It's Demetra Dementor."

Snape jumped up in shock. "You're telling me that I've just agreed to go out on a date with a Dementor? Bloody Hell!" _This is not good. Not good is an understatement. This is bloody horrifying! _In his shock, he had forgotten and looked straight at Voldemort.

"Horrifying, Severus? Really, I would have thought that you, of all wizards, would be up to the task. Should we have a round of Cruciatus to prepare you?" _Oh, I do hope he says yes. I get so tired of inflicting pain on Wormtail. He does whine so._

"That won't be necessary, my Lord. I assure you, I am up to the task. Now, if that is all, I will return to Hogwarts. My presence will soon be missed." Snape wondered how he was going to get through this ordeal.

"That is all, Severus. I shall see you at our next Death Eater meeting." Voldemort smiled. "Thank you for coming."

"Yes, my Lord. I am at your command." Snape made his way back to the front door. His hand was just reaching for his amulet when Voldemort spoke again.

"Oh, and Severus, whatever you do, don't let her kiss you!" Voldemort's mad laugh rang out. _I'm on a roll! I should be a comedian. Take my wife! Please! _With that thought, he fell back into depression as he realized he had no wife, and was not likely to ever have one.

Severus felt his stomach drop as he clutched the necklace and was transported back to Hogwarts.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Thanks again to Judy and Jennifer for betaing this fic. I love y'all!**

**My updates will probably be fewer now. I just have three more chaps written as of now, and the baby is due in about 7 weeks, so I'm sure things will be getting hectic! I promise that I won't neglect it though, and poor Sev will not be left hanging. teehee.**

**Dislaimer:**

**It's all the product of JKR's genius imagination. I just take the characters out and play with them before putting them back in the box.**


	6. Chapter 5: William and a Weasley

**Chapter 5: William and a Weasley**

Snape paced back and forth in his chambers, trying to prepare himself for the evening. The day had gone from bad to worse. The students, if they could even be classified as that, had gotten on his last nerve. It was all he could do not to transfigure them all into cockroaches. One student even suggested that adding hellebore to his sleeping draught would make it more effective. "Idiots! All of them!"

In addition to that, he knew that Potter, Weasley, and Granger had heard about his 'date' with Rita from Hagrid. They could hardly keep straight faces when they looked at him. He had taken 10 points from each of them, but even that didn't make him feel better.

As if his coming date with Demetra wasn't bad enough, he had to attend to Weasley in detention first. "When will I learn to keep my ruddy temper under control? If I hadn't gotten mad at him during his last detention, I wouldn't have to do this tonight!"

"What's done is done." (1) William was sitting in his high-backed chair, eating a turkey leg. He knew Snape was agitated, but that was normal. He'd never really known the potions master to be in a good mood.

Snape turned to William's portrait, eyes narrowed. "Oh, who asked you, you barmy old codger?"

"There is no need to be so rude! I was only making an observation." William turned his back on Snape and walked away in a huff.

"Good riddance!" Snape was even more agitated than before. _Even a portrait can't stand me! _He stormed out of his room, making his way to the dungeon for his detention with Weasley. _Sometimes I think I should just go all "Malcolm the Malevolent" on their arses! _With that, he turned the corner and ran right into something quite solid.

"OOOF!" Ron Weasley was knocked flat on the ground, Snape landing right beside him. "What the ruddy h…." Ron trailed off when he saw just who he was addressing. "Sir. Um, Professor. Professor Snape! I'm…."

"Stupid? Clumsy? A complete nincompoop?" Snape was furious. As if his day wasn't bad enough, he had to get his robes all dusty because this stupid oaf was just standing in the middle of the hallway. "Well, get up, Weasley. I don't have all evening!" He pulled the young man to his feet, shoving him toward the door of the potions classroom. "What in blazes are you doing standing in the hallway anyway?" He glared at the student in front of him.

"I was waiting for my detention, sir. The door was locked." Ron did not waver as he stared at the professor. "You did remember that it was tonight?"

"Yes, of course I remembered! Why else would I be here?" He moved to unlock the door, not waiting for Ron. He entered and went to sit behind his desk. "The door should not have been locked. PEEVES!"

There was a loud bang as the pestering poltergeist materialized in the classroom. He knocked over several cauldrons and flasks, causing several more moments of loud clattering, before silence settled over the classroom. "You rang, you greasy old bat?" Peeves cackled at his own joke.

Ron struggled to contain a laugh, just managing to turn it into a cough. He grimaced and was silent after receiving another glare from his teacher.

"Peeves, I should hate to have to report you to the Bloody Baron again. You know how he is when he is unhappy with you." Snape's voice was calm, but cold. "Besides, if the Baron isn't enough to spark the fear in you, then you should consider who you are baiting. I trust you recall the time you were stuck in a biscuit tin for a week?" _Oh yes, that was a good time. I should do that more often._

Ron watched in fascination as Peeves' face actually contorted into a look of fear and his ghostly form turned whiter. _It's pretty impressive when someone can scare Peeves. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised; Snape scares the hell out of me most of the time._

"So sorry, Professor. Didn't mean no harm, really. I'll just be going now." Peeves disappeared quickly. He had no intention of facing a week in a cramped space like that again. He liked teasing the Potions master, but when it came down to it, he knew when not to press him. There was no telling what Snape would do to him next time.

Snape whirled back around, only to catch Ron standing there, mouth agape. "What are you staring at?"

Ron stammered, trying to answer Snape. "Nothing sir. I just…well…that was impressive. The way you handled Peeves, I mean. I thought he only listened to the Bloody Baron. You scared the snot out of him!" Ron was excited at this point, his face as red as his hair. "Bloody brilliant!"

Snape stood still, surveying the boy in front of him. _Did he just call me brilliant? _He puffed out his chest a bit and stood straighter. _You know, he's right. I am brilliant. Now tell me again why I haven't ever received an Order of Merlin, First Class? _With a voice heavily laden with sarcasm, he spoke. It wouldn't do to have the boy know he appreciated the compliment. _"_It's just wonderful that you approve, Mr. Weasley. Now, you are here for detention, are you not? I suggest you start scrubbing the cauldrons."

Ron's excited manner deflated in a hurry. _Awe, who was I kidding? Did I actually think that the greasy git was human? _He skulked over to the row of cauldrons, picking up the ones that Peeves had managed to knock over. He dropped one with a clatter, jumping back. He proceeded to wave his hand around and jump up and down. "Son of a bludger! Merlin's balls!"

"Mr. Weasley! What is the matter with you? I will not tolerate profanity in my classroom! Do you think I find your antics amusing?" _I wonder if anyone would notice if I did a body bind on him and left him in the corner of the Astrology tower? Dumbledore would probably disapprove though. Damn how that man puts a damper on my good times._

"My hand, professor! Look at it!" Ron looked horrified. "What do I do? It hurts!" Ron was still waving his hand like mad and hopping from one foot to the other.

Snape walked quickly over to Ron, grabbing him by the wrist to examine his hand. Indeed, it looked quite painful, for it was covered with large boils. _Undiluted bubotuber puss, if I had to guess. Dunderheads! This wouldn't have been a problem if the students would mix their potions properly! _He knew better than to let 2nd years attempt a simple acne treatment. He walked over to a set of shelves, and took down a potion, walking back over to Ron, who was turning pale.

_Just brilliant. Now what is he going to do to me? _He looked suspiciously at Snape. "What is that?"

"It's not poison, if that's what you're worried about. It's just a simple soothing potion made with nettle. This will soothe the boils and help to heal them." Snape took the stopper out and applied some to Ron's hand.

Ron stood stock still. Snape was actually helping him. "Er, thank you sir. That helps."

Snape held the bottle out to him. "Here, take this with you. You will need to apply it a few more times before it is healed."

"You mean, I can go?" Ron couldn't believe his luck. He was actually getting out of detention after only a few minutes. _Maybe Snape isn't so bad after all._

Snape detested the idea of letting Weasley off that easy, but to be honest, he was tired. He wanted the detention over. _Piss it. This night is shot to Hades anyway. "_Well, it's not as if you're useful for anything now. Besides, I have other matters to attend to." _Like figuring out how to endure a date with a dementor. "_ Go. I expect you to work twice as hard tomorrow night."

"Yes, sir. Thanks, sir." Ron almost ran from the classroom. _Wonder if I could talk Hermione into helping me with my History of Magic homework? Or, I could finally tell her how I feel about her. No, better stick with the homework. _

Since he was alone, Snape allowed himself a grin at the boy's quick retreat. _It's good to know that I still have my touch. I do have a reputation to upkeep. _With a loud sigh he tidied his desk, and left for the Three Broomsticks.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Thanks again to my wonderful betas, Jennifer and Judy. You all keep me encouraged and on track!**

**I do have a few more chapters of this written, so I will space them out until I get more finished. Just about a month now until the baby gets here, so I doubt I'll do much writing for a while. ;-)**

**Quote:**

**(1) "What's done is done." Macbeth Act III, scene II**

**Disclaimer:**

**I do not own anything related to HP. If I did, I wouldn't have to dig change out of the bottom of my purse to plug the parking meter.**


	7. Chapter 6: Date with Demetra

**Chapter 6: Date with Demetra**

As soon as Snape walked into the Three Broomsticks, he was accosted by Rosmerta. _Oh, I do not need this tonight. Blasted woman! _"Madame Rosmerta, how lovely to see you." Snape's voice was full of sarcasm.

Rosmerta firmly planted her feet on the ground and glared at Snape through narrowed eyes. _"_You're lucky that I'm letting you in here again, Professor! I have half a mind to send you the bill for the damage you caused last week!" It was very apparent that she was not happy with Snape.

Snape bit back a sharp retort. _Well, I'd better at least try to placate her. It appears that I will have to be here more than I would like. _"Madame Rosmerta, I must apologize for my behavior. I had a little too much to drink…"

"A little too much? You damn near destroyed my pub!" Rosmerta stomped her foot for emphasis. "You had better watch yourself this time. I won't tolerate much more!" With that, she stormed away, not even bothering to take Snape's order.

Snape just stared after her in awe. _Well, that was interesting. She's daring, I'll give her that. Potions Master, 2, Bar Witch 2. I do so hate not winning. It's not good for my sense of self. _He sighed heavily, moving to the back of the pub. No sooner had he sat down than the door opened.

Silence filled the room as the dementor glided in, bringing frigid air and a horrid smell with it. Several people turned pale, shivering as the wraith-like form passed them. Snape wasn't sure how he was going to handle this. _How does one even communicate with a Dementor? _He half stood, staring at the hovering form in front of him. The face was heavily veiled, which he was very grateful for. He was quite sure she wasn't going to win any Witch Weekly beauty awards. "Demetra?"

Demetra made a low hissing sound, which seemed to frighten half of the patrons. Several threw money on their tables and made hasty retreats. Rosmerta glared at Snape, obviously blaming him for losing customers. _A Dementor? What is next? You-Know-Who himself?_

Snape had no idea what the hissing meant, but figured that it was her way of saying hello. He gestured for her to sit, but then realized how inane that was. How was she supposed to sit? _How do I get myself into these situations? Oh, right. It was that or certain torture from the Dark Lord. _He made another attempt at conversation. "Would you like something to drink?"

Demetra didn't respond. All that could be heard was rattled breathing. Snape was growing quite uncomfortable. For a few moments, there was silence on both parts, Snape wondering what to say and Demetra alternately hissing and breathing heavily.

Behind the bar, Rosmerta had her hand on her wand. _Gods, why did I even let him in here again? I knew something bad would happen. Still, if that Dementor decides to feed, I'm going to be ready! I won't see anyone fall victim to those soul-thirsty monsters!_

Snape had no more time for thought as the Dementor suddenly moved closer and started to kiss him. He tried to move out of the way, but it was useless. Several thoughts flashed in his mind. _Well, I must say, I never thought I'd go out this way. I'd always imagined it would be from too many Cruiciatus curses. Oh no! I have on my old underpants. I guess that's why they say you should always wear your best. _With a loud thud, he fell to the floor, unconscious, as the Dementor preyed on him.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" Rosmerta was quick to run from behind the bar, and cast the spell. A great silver light shot from her wand and took the shape of a panther, which raced toward the Dementor, knocking it out of the way. Demetra let out a piercing cry and flew out the door.

The few patrons left in the bar were standing there, wide-eyed, unable to speak. Hagrid, who was among them, set down his tankard, and walked to Rosmerta, who was looking decidedly pale.

Lupin was also there and was secretly hoping that he would have an opportunity to administer the chocolate that he so loved to hand out. _People may laugh at me, but it helps. It really, really does! _So, hands in his jumper pockets, which contained scores of chocolate, he slowly walked over to where Rosmerta and Hagrid were standing.

Snape, was quite unconscious still, lying in a heap on the floor. He would have been quite horrified at the musings of the three over his condition, but as he couldn't hear them, he remained in blissful ignorance.

Hagrid, who was staring at the Hogwart's Potions Professor with something akin to amusement in his eyes, was the first to speak. "What in the blazes possessed him to go on a date with a dementor anyway? Merlin knows that's a death wish waiting to happen." He stuck out one of his huge feet and rolled Snape over with it. "He looks mostly dead. I suppose I should haul him back to Hogwarts."

Rosmerta, who was just beginning to get color back in her face, actually felt pity for Snape. "He does seem to have the worst luck. I suppose it was a contract that he couldn't break. But, why would a dementor want to date him?" She stared down at the potions master and decided that he looked almost angelic in his incapacitated state. She nearly laughed out loud when she realized how badly that conflicted with what she knew of him.

"I hear that he had no choice in the matter anyway." Lupin was also staring at the crumpled man, figuring out the best way to administer chocolate to an unconscious person. "Dumbledore said that it was a request of Voldemort's." He paused as the other two flinched at the use of the name.

"You mean You-Know-Who wanted Snape to go on a date with a dementor? Why would he do that?" Hagrid knew Voldemort was evil, but this was a bit much, even for someone who wanted to take over the world.

Lupin laconically spoke again. "Apparently, he owed a debt to her brother, and that was the only way he could pay it off, having no access to money."

"A debt? What kind of a debt?" Rosmerta was puzzled. _How could the Dark Lord owe anyone anything? He is the most feared wizard in our time, isn't he?_

Lupin motioned for the two to draw closer and proceeded to gossip like an old witch. "Well, rumor has it that he made a bet on the outcome of the last match between the Canons and Puddlemere United. And lost! I suppose since he can't lay his bony hands on the money, he fell to bargaining. Really, you would think that a dark wizard could do better than that."

"No? You don't say? Well, I never…." Hagrid didn't finish his sentence as they were all distracted by a faint stirring in the black heap on the floor. "Well, I suppose I should get him back to the castle before he wakes." He looked at his half-empty tankard on the table, and sighed with regret. _How's a man ever to get a drink here? Bloody Snape. Always ruining my fun._

Rosmerta straightened up and spoke haughtily. "Yes, please do. I suppose that I should ban him from the pub, especially after this, but I don't quite have the heart too, seeing as how he's already having a nasty turn of luck." She shook her head and walked back behind the bar.

Hagrid grabbed Snape by the collar of his cloak, and proceeded to drag him out through the door, muttering under his breath. He didn't even bother trying to revive him this time, for he knew it would do no good.

Lupin quietly followed, rubbing his hands at the good time to come, once Snape was in the hospital wing.

Snape, unbeknownst to the others was having quite pleasant dreams. In it, he was being presented an Order of Merlin, 1st Class, by none other than that brat, Harry Potter. Yes, life was good.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks again to my wonderful betas!**

**Sorry for the delay in updating. Our little bundle of joy decided to show up early! Yep. Aniston Marie made it here on July 6th! So, we've spent a couple of weeks adjusting, and now are getting into a routine. Check out my profile for a link to pictures of our little beauty.**

**Ihave one more chapter of this story written right now, and I do plan to continue. I admit, I was disheartened after reading HBP, but like Dumbledore, I have unwaivering faith in our Severus, so I'm keeping my chin up. Hopefully I'll find a bit of time to write in the next few weeks. So, thanks for sticking with me and for reading/reviewing my story. I appreciate all of the feedback. You all are wonderful!**

**Disclaimer: JKR owns it all. (bows to the Goddess of fiction)**


	8. Chapter 7: Slytherins and Sorting Hats

**Chapter 7: Slytherins and Sorting hats**

"I'm telling you, the Dementor just sailed right for him! That's what Hagrid told me." Poppy Pomfrey was always one that enjoyed good gossip, even if it wasn't true. But, that was beside the point. In this case, it certainly was true, and it certainly did concern the grouchy Potions Master. "She was trying to _kiss_ him!"

"You don't say? This is most fascinating. Hmm, I wonder if anyone has ever read his tea leaves?" Sibyll Trelawney was already making plans to do so upon his waking. She glanced over at the man lying on the cot. "His aura is very murky today. He should really see someone about that." _I must get to work. This poor man is in serious need of my help!_

"Whatever you say Sibyll." _Always on about tea leaves and auras. As if there was nothing else in life! I bet she's never even seen Wizard Watch. That last episode about Muggle-born witches and the men who love them was fascinating. So romantic…._

The two women were interrupted at this juncture by Professor Lupin, who had just walked in. "How is the patient? Is he awake yet?" He looked over at the unconscious Severus with a disappointed look on his face. _Just my luck. All this chocolate and the bloody man is still out cold! There's always something to put a damper on my fun._

"He should awaken soon, Remus." Poppy turned as Headmaster Dumbledore came through the door. _What is this place today? Platform 9 and ¾?_

"It appears that this is the place to be." Albus was pleased with himself because he always liked to be in the thick of things. "How is our beloved Potions master?" He busied himself by blowing a very large bubble, which popped and got stuck in his long beard. "Alas. It seems that always happens."

* * *

Snape was becoming vaguely aware of multiple voices chattering around him. _Maybe if I pretend to still be cataleptic, they'll all go away._

There was no such luck for poor Severus today. He felt a sharp poke in his side, which hurt very much. "OUCH! What the sodding hell did you do that for?" He sat up and rubbed his side with vigor. He saw several witches and wizards around him, waiting with expectant looks on their faces.

Dumbledore guiltily looked away and pocketed his wand, which he had used as a poking device.

"Severus, my boy! It's so good of you to join us. We've all been quite worried about you."

"I'm sure you have. But, I assure you, I'm quite fine." He leaned back on his pillow and closed his eyes.

He quickly opened them again as he felt a presence beside his cot. _Lupin. Damnation! That man is such a nuisance._

"Fine or not, you must eat some chocolate." Lupin was very excited and was waving his hand directly in front of Snape's face. "I prefer milk chocolate myself. Not only does it have wonderful healing properties, it's just yummy!"

"Well, I like dark!" Snape glared at the werewolf.

Lupin's face fell. "Dark? Really? I don't have any dark. Dear me! Have no fear, Severus, I will find you some." With that, he ran out of the room and headed straight for Honeydukes.

"Good riddance!" _Maybe he'll get lost on the way. How delightful for me._

"I see your temper has not improved by your brush with death," Dumbledore chided.

"Phhhtt," mumbled Snape. "As if I haven't already had multiple brushes with death. Do you really think after all of those, a little kiss from a dementor is going to faze me? Hmmm?" Yes, Snape was admittedly grouchy, but he was having such a lovely dream before he was so rudely prodded awake. He started to rise from his bed, only to be pushed back down by Poppy.

"Oh no! You are staying right there. You're not in fit shape to go anywhere right now. You're too weak. I do happen to have dark chocolate on hand, so eat it and rest!" Her tone of voice left no room for argument, and Snape meekly took the chocolate she offered.

While he was chewing a mouthful of said chocolate, Sibyll pounced. "My good man. It would be most advantageous if you would let me cleanse your aura." _I do hope he agrees. I'm so bored with the normal prophecies and such._

Snape fixed a darker glare than ever seen before on the Divination professor. "My aura is fine. Go bother someone else. Aren't there some students who still believe in your tripe?"

The woman's face fell dramatically at this, and tears started to slide down her face. "I was only t-trying t-t-t-o help!" With this she started sobbing and ran from the room.

Dumbledore frowned at the younger wizard. "You really must learn how to handle women, Severus. It's no wonder that you've never had a girlfriend!"

_Really, that was uncalled for. I could have a girlfriend anytime I want! Oh, who am I kidding? The old fool is right. I know nothing about women. _"I don't see how that is relevant, Albus. I've had enough of this abuse. I'm leaving!" Jumping out of bed before Poppy could protest, he ran from the room.

Dumbledore shook his head and laughed. "I wonder how long it will take him to realize he hasn't got his robes on?"

Poppy looked very amused. "I'm not sure. Care to make a bet?"

For Severus Snape had fled the room wearing nothing but his amulet Portkey.

_

* * *

__My, it feels breezy in here today. I wonder why…. _Snape's thoughts abruptly came to a halt when he realized just why it was breezy. _MOTHER OF MERLIN! I'm…NAKED!_ Snape's thoughts abruptly came to a halt when he realized just why it was breezy. 

Unfortunately, it was a bit late to realize this as he was in the corridor and classes had just let out. He fled down the hall, looking this way and that for something to cover up with.

Behind him, there were many shrieks and whispers. Lavendar Brown and Parvati Patil were giggling and pointing. Lavendar, well known for her sexual prowess said, "Well, who would have thought he was hiding that under his robes!" Parvati just blushed and stared after her professor.

Draco Malfoy sagely nodded his head. "At least he lives up to Slytherin expectations." He simply said this to cover up for the fact that he, as a matter of course, did not live up to expectations, which Pansy had been kind enough to point out. Cursing, he headed the opposite direction, wondering if an engorgement charm would do the trick.

Hermione had stopped dead in her tracks, causing Harry and Ron to run right into her from behind. _Well, well. This is most interesting. I can't believe he doesn't have a girlfriend!_

"Oy, Mione! What did you stop for?" Ron caught sight of Snape's retreating figure at the same time as Harry. Both boys just stood there gaping after him.

Snape, on the other hand, was not amused, and was definitely not listening to the comments all around him. Had he taken the time to listen, he might have been proud. Instead, he grabbed the first thing he found, which happened to be the Sorting Hat. Why it was sitting on a chair outside of Professor Flitwick's classroom was beyond him, but he was thankful.

The Sorting Hat, however, was anything but happy about the circumstance he found himself in. _I say! This is definitely not in my job description! I don't even have a song prepared._

Snape was quite unaware of the consternation he was causing the poor hat, and honestly would not have cared if he did know. His main concern was getting to his room as quickly as possible.

The hat could hold his silence no longer. He began speaking in a loud, singsong voice.

"A thousand years ago or more

When I was newly sewn,

No one told me that some day

I'd hide a man full grown.

Now that day has come at last

And I am not impressed

I really wish that Severus Snape

Would simply just get dressed.

This, by far is the worst job

A sorting hat could do

I know that you may question it

But really, it is true.

For now I'll bide my precious time

And later I will flee

When Albus turns his eyes away

For, then, I will be free!"

Snape was embarrassed enough without having this infernal hat adding to it. "Will you shut your mouth, you bloody hat? Do you think I like this anymore than you do?" Thankfully, he had reached his rooms by this point. He ran in and quickly shut the door.

For once, William was totally speechless as he stared at the wizard, who leaned against the door, panting, with a sorting hat on his manhood.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to Judy and Jennifer for being my betas! Thanks to Jennifer for her help with the Sorting Hat's song.**

**Thanks to all of you for the wonderful reviews. They mean so much. As for those of you who have asked about Rosmerta, if only life would be that kind to our dear Severus. I fear however, that his trials will be many before he is allowed to find true love. Poor man.**

**Disclaimer: Alas, HP is the work of mastermind, JKR. If only...**


	9. Chapter 8: Gossip and Grumbling

**Chapter 8: Gossip and Grumbling**

Unbeknownst to Snape, he was the talk of his students and some of the staff. As if the dating ad wasn't enough, combine that with the most recent debacle and he was somewhat of a Hogwarts celebrity. After all, it wasn't every day that a professor ran naked through the halls of the school. In fact, until just yesterday, no professor had ever run through the halls sans clothing.

In the staff room, all of the witches huddled in a group for discussion. Even Professor Trelawney left her tower once again after hearing the juicy gossip from Lavender. Despite Snape's rudeness at their last meeting, she couldn't resist talking about him. "Is it true what they're saying?" Her eyes were even larger than normal behind her thick glasses." _I certainly never saw anything like THAT in my crystal ball!_

"Every word!" Professor McGonagall had heard the news from Poppy Pomfrey after Snape's quick departure from the hospital wing. "Poppy said that he was definitely the Head of Slytherin for a reason!" She blushed and dissolved into an uncharacteristic fit of giggles. Had any of her students seen her at that moment, they would have ceased to fear her stern looks. As it was, no students saw her, so her reputation as a strict professor was saved.

Professor Sprout said nothing, but did a great deal of head nodding along with Professor Sinestra. They were both thinking that they should start paying more attention during the staff meetings.

Professor Hooch, who was known for her dirty sense of humor, was looking speculative. "Maybe it's time to answer his dating ad." As the other witches looked at her in shock, she assumed an innocent air. "What? Like you all weren't thinking about getting under those robes?" _Maybe I can show him how well I ride a broomstick! _She wasted no time in retrieving a quill and a sheaf of parchment. She wrote for a minute and then signed her name with a flourish. "There now! I think I will deliver it in person!"

"Rolanda! You are so bad!" McGonagall was outwardly shocked, but inside, she was envious of Hooch's outspokenness. _Maybe I should take a page from her book and write a love letter to Albus. _"Well, you'll have to be sure to share all the juicy details!"

* * *

If the staff was bad about discussing the recent happenings, the students were a thousand times worse. 

The Slytherins were all walking tall, having either see or heard about Snape's assets. As Draco had said, "He did the house proud!" Everyone agreed.

Draco was slightly miffed when he caught Millicent and Pansy trying to figure out a way to sneak into Professor Snape's room. _Pansy is MY girlfriend. What she sees in that blipping vampire is beyond me! _He knew however, that he was just kidding himself. He knew exactly what she saw in him. It was what he, himself, was lacking. Bursting into tears, he ran to his room and buried his face in his pillow. He didn't care that Blaise saw him and promptly reported it to the rest of the house.

* * *

Hermione was deep in thought and didn't realize she was chewing on the end of her quill. If she were asked what she was thinking, she would have probably stated that she was thinking of the sad state that was the life of a House-elf. In reality, she was recalling the moment when she first saw Snape in a new light. _Sweet Eros on a pumpkin pasty! So that's what a man looks like! _That in turn made her thoughts drift to one Ronald Bilius Weasley._ I wonder… _she was brought from her reverie by a hand waving in front of her face. 

"Mione! Wake up!" Ron was standing in front of the object of his desire, waving his arms about like a windmill. _What in Merlin's name is she thinking about? Her face is bright red! She's even cuter than ever like that. _That thought caused him to blush and he retired into relative silence.

"Ron! Why aren't you studying?" Hermione was flustered to see the boy she had been thinking of and didn't know what to say. So, she covered it up by being her usual bossy self. "You are never going to pass your exams this way. I swear, I'm not helping you this year!"

Harry's arrival cut off anything else she was going to say. "Can you believe it? Snape, of all people! I've never laughed so hard in my life!" He had quite enjoyed the embarrassing spectacle that his most hated professor had made, and was looking forward to reliving it with his friends. Therefore, he was sadly disappointed to see that they were not paying attention to him and were studiously ignoring each other, both with very red faces. _Those two! I wish they would snog and get it over with! _Disappointed, he walked away.

* * *

Lavender and Parvati were huddled over a crystal ball in Professor Trelawney's tower room. Having thoroughly discussed the earlier happening, they were now trying to divine the future of Professor Snape's love life. 

"Girls! What are you doing here?" Professor Trelawney flitted up behind them. She was a bit winded from the long jaunt from the staff room, so her voice was even more breathy than usual.

Lavendar smiled and Parvati looked a bit guilty.

"Professor! How wonderful that you are here! Maybe you can help us!" Lavender certainly was not shy about her purpose. "In light of the recent happenings," here both girls giggled once again, "Parvati and I were trying to use our inner eye to see into Professor Snape's future."

"I'm shocked at the two of you. Using divination to pry into someone's love life, and a professor at that!" She paused, looking thoughtful. "Besides, the crystal will tell you nothing. But, I do know of a potion…."

* * *

Severus Snape had definitely had better weeks than this one. He was to the point of feeling sorry for himself for his bad luck. Pacing his room, he brought forth a string of curse words that even made William feel ashamed. That was a feat in itself, because the writer was known for his dirty mind. 

"My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse." (1) William smirked at Snape, who was once again glaring at him.

"Can you just once stop quoting your silly plays, old man?" Snape was not in the mood for mind games and he was fast becoming irritated with the prattling poet. "What shall I do? How am I supposed to go to my classroom after many of my students saw me in the buff? What about staff meetings? Those witches are all such gossips."

"Severus, I do believe that thou are making _Much Ado about Nothing._" He couldn't resist, but hastily retreated, deciding it was time to visit some acquaintances in other portraits.

Something than might only be described as a growl escaped Snape's throat. _It's bad enough that I was humiliated in front of the school. I also missed classes today AND have another detention with Weasley tonight. Sometimes I think this Karma stuff really is something that needs more attention._

Sighing, he gathered up what was left of his dignity and betook himself to the potions classroom.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Quote: (1) My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse. Act IV. Scene II. The Comedy of Errors**

**Once again, thanks to my wonderful betas.**

**Thanks to all of my faithful readers and reviewers. I'm very glad that you are so interested in Severus' love life. ;-**)

**Sorry for the delay in writing. My plot bunnies decided to hop for the nearest bunny hole, leaving me high and dry. I've enticed them back with the promise of several large carrots and a nice rabbit hutch for reproducing. **

**Disclaimer: We all know who the real genius is, and it's certainly not me.**


	10. Chapter 9: Lessons and Liaisons

**Chapter 9: Lessons and Liaisons**

"Whoever invented detentions should be dragged out into the street and _Avada Kedavra'd". _Ron was once again complaining to his mates about having to attend another detention with Snape.

"Don't even joke about an Unforgivable, Ronald! Besides, it's your own fault that you have detention with Professor Snape." With the mention of her Potion Master's name, Hermione blushed, remembering just how well endowed the head of Slytherin was.

Ron and Harry looked on in irritation as Hermione gazed into nothingness with a dreamy smile on her face.

Harry broke into her reverie. "Gods, Hermione! Don't tell me you've gone batty over Snape! He's a nasty, greasy, git!"

Ron snickered. "Batty! Good one, Harry! Seriously, 'Mione. Snap out of it. It's rather sickening."

Hermione flushed and snapped at them. "I'm not batty over him, you two! It's just that…well…that's the first time I've seen a man…and…."

"Ugh. Let's not talk about it. I'll see you around, if the bloke doesn't kill me first!" With that, Ron headed to the dungeons, shaking his head. _I'm never going to make any headway with Hermione at this rate. She doesn't even notice I'm alive. But, wait! She has noticed Snape. And I have detention with Snape. Hmm._

Ron didn't have time to think about Hermione once he reached the potions classroom. Snape was there and in rare form, even for him. It seemed that his gallivant through the halls had a lemon-like effect on his already sour nature. _Just brilliant! Like he needs any more excuses to be a wanker. I shouldn't have joked about not coming back alive. It may turn out to be true. _

"Mr. Weasley! If you're done gaping at me like that detestable toad of Longbottom's, get to work!" He pointed to a table in the corner of the room where a huge mound of shrivelfigs lay in wait. "When you're done skinning those, move on to the ginger root. And I need not remind you how important it is that everything is precise!"

It was probably a good thing that Snape turned his back at this juncture, because if he had seen the look on Ron's face, he probably would have hexed him into next week. As it was, he didn't, and Ron was safe for the time being.

Relative silence reigned as Ron carefully peeled the shrivelfigs and added them to another pile. _Skin the shrivelfigs, Mr. Weasley, slice the ginger root, Mr. Weasley, kiss my arse, Mr. Weasley! I'd like to show him just what he could do with the shrivelfigs! Just because he's mad and embarrassed, he's taking it out on me._ While lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice that his arm had brushed against the unpeeled pile and knocked several shrivelfigs to the ground.

"WEASLEY! Can't you even do this simple task without wreaking havoc? I don't know why I even assumed you wouldn't make a mess out of things! If you so much as mash ONE of those…."

Just then, a knock on the door interrupted Snape's tirade. With an extremely irritated look, he bellowed, "ENTER!"

He was as surprised as Ron to see Professor Hooch walk into the classroom. _She'd better not be trying to recruit me for the Annual Hogwarts Alumni Quidditch Tournament. She knows I don't play, but every year, it's the same thing. She always calls me a pansy for not wanting to play and tells me to grow a pair of bludgers._

Ron quietly watched in fascination as Professor Hooch walked straight up to Snape and handed him a piece of parchment. As Snape looked over it, his face turned four different shades of red before settling on a crimson that rivaled Fawkes' bright feathers. _I wonder what is making him so uncomfortable? _

Snape practically choked on his own tongue when he realized what was on the piece of parchment. _MOTHER OF MERLIN! She's replying to my ad? Oh, this is NOT good. _One mental head slap later, he plastered a sneer on his face and looked the flying coach in the eye.

His face quickly changed to one of horror when Hooch plastered what she thought was a seductive look on her face and moved closer. In reality, it resembled nothing so much as a hungry hippogriff searching for food. _Well, I for one AM NOT going to be the ferret that she feasts on!_

Snape took several steps back. Hooch took several more forward. He stepped back again. She advanced. Snape tried to turn and run, but the desk got in his way. _Blast and Damnation! Cornered!_ _Think Severus, think! If only I had a Snitch to distract her with! If only we hadn't placed that blasted ad! If only Albus would lift the ban on Apparition from the school grounds. It would sure come in handy. I could be on a beach sipping a Fiery Salamander right now!_

Hooch leaned forward and spoke. "Meet me on the Quidditch pitch at 10:00 tomorrow night, Sev. And, if you're lucky, maybe I'll polish your broomstick." With that, she winked, blew him a kiss, and turned, walking out the door.

Snape was left standing, mouth agape. He slowly sank onto the top of his desk, shaking his head. _I honestly don't know if I can handle this. That woman is a menace to the wizards in our society. I've heard stories about her._

Ron couldn't contain a snort of laughter, but after a rather harsh stink-eye from Snape, he finished the shrivelfigs and started on the ginger root while trying to choke back his amusement. _You know, I almost feel sorry for the bloke. I wouldn't want to take that on. _Deciding to display some of the courage that he was supposed to have, being a Gryffindor and all, he swallowed and spoke quietly. "I've heard stories about her, sir."

Snape was so taken aback that the lad in front of him had spoken the exact words that he was thinking, that he replied without a retort. "So have I. That's what worries me." _Blast and Damnation! I did NOT just say that out loud. I'm the dreaded Potions Master, the one that all students fear. Oh, who am I kidding? Over half the school saw me streaking, I have no dignity left. _Rather dejected, he drooped over farther and put his head in his hands.

Ron felt a surge of empathy for the man in front of him. _Snape seems so…human. And we all know what it's like to have woman problems. _"Cheer up. At least it will be over after tomorrow night. It's not like you have to go out with her again, is it?"

Snape perked up a bit at this thought. _Funny how the little rogue made me feel better. Maybe he's not so bad after all. _"That is true." Standing once again, he moved to the table where Ron was sitting. "However, I don't think it's appropriate to discuss my personal life during detention, Mr. Weasley."

"Yes, sir. I just figured…." Here Ron trailed off, not sure if he should continue. He didn't want to anger his professor again.

"Do go on." _Sweet Circes, am I actually encouraging the boy to speak? I have completely lost my touch. _Crossing his arms, he tapped one foot impatiently.

Ron hesitated, and then threw caution to the wind. "Well, it's just that everyone is talking about your dating ad, sir. I mean, none of the Professors here have ever done one and no one thought you, of all people, would. And then with what happened in the halls, well, you're something of a phenomenon at this point. You might as well know what's being said, donchathink?" _Could I possibly ramble on more? Gods, Ron. Just shut it!_

"You make a valid point. It would be good to know what everyone is saying. Ten points to Gryffindor for the idea, Mr. Weasley." Snape gave a lopsided grimace that was supposed to be a smile.

_He's gone completely mental. I'm in detention with a madman! And he's really not so bad after all. _"Thank you, sir." He turned his attention back to the ginger root.

"Ahem. So, just what is being said_?" Imagine, me, talking to a student about something like this._ _I fully expect for hell to be frozen over. Good thing I am a superb ice skater._

For the next hour, Ron filled Snape in on what rumors were being spread, how silly the girls were acting after seeing him naked, and even managed to throw in some of his own issues about how he wasn't making any headway with Hermione. At the end of the detention, the two had come to a new understanding. It was something akin to friendship, though neither would admit it. Who would have thought that the youngest Weasley male and a greasy git could have so much to talk about?

**A/N:**

**Many thanks to Judy for the beta of this chapter.**

**Thanks to all of you who are hanging in there with this story. The normal excuses for late updating apply: new baby, work, no muse, yada yada. Anyway, I'm glad that you all are enjoying the story and I hope you like the update.**

**Disclaimer:**

**If I'm walking, I would hear: Not Mine. Not Mine. If I'm skipping, I would hear: Not Not Mine, Not Not Mine. (Thanks, PHOEBE!)**


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